Is This Normal?

In a Zoom session of fellow coaches recently, we each checked in. We are practicing building our Positive intelligence using the latest Beta version of the PQ app in a 7-week program. We already use it with our clients, and now this latest development is exciting and expected to be easier for busy executives to use. 

I had to admit to my “pod” that at first I didn’t like the slowed-down version that was less demanding. I like to be pushed, prodded, and maybe use self-imposed guilt a little, as well as a dose of suffering. Make the time. Get up earlier! Do it even when you don’t want to or don’t feel like it.

Even these weekly 45-minute pod meetings where we come together from all over the world is a challenge to attend. And it’s fascinating. Last week one of our members was Zooming in from a month-long meditation retreat in India. She was in a cafe at who knows what time of night. I’ve lost track of the time zones participating. Since most of us travel, it’s always shifting. And is a Zoom call really a good thing during a meditation retreat?

So, today when I started off sharing that I thought it was too easy, and therefore didn’t inspire me, I had to also admit that I had come more face to face with my JUDGE. Is this normal? 

In case you have been oblivious to your judge, allow me to introduce you. It’s that little and sometimes loud voice in your head that is constantly running in the background like a radio station you can’t turn off. It’s a running commentary that sounds something like this…

WWWM (What’s Wrong With Me?)

• You didn’t prepare enough. 
• Your audience is bored. 
• You are over your head. 
• She’s better than you. He’s smarter, thinner, younger, stronger. 
• She’s more strategic, a better speaker, more influential. 
• You’ll never meet your goal.
• You will never be loved.
• You married poorly.
• He married poorly.
• If he likes you, he must not be good enough.
• You’re too happy. You don’t deserve it. Something bad is going to happen.

Exhausting.

Stressful.

Sucks the life out of us. 

Some of us stay so busy we may not notice its impact. Scary that you could be so used to listening to your judge, like a Stepford wife, in a trance, continuing to work harder, going from one goal met to the next with little reward. It’s a well-known fact that the highest-performing executives have a tendency toward workaholism. Research ties the roots of this to anxiety fueled by a harsh internal judge that promotes the belief that one’s value is tied to performance. I have noticed in my work with clients that staying busy all the time is an effective way to avoid feeling negative emotions—overworking can be a drug of choice. 

The cure is to face and embrace the negative messages and the resultant emotions and get to the truth of the matter. It’s a liberating exercise. Not quick and easy, but worth the journey.

Signs you may need to face an out of control judge include:

• Working too hard
• Insufficient self-care
• Too few breaks in the day
• Skipping meals 
• Distraction with work during downtime
• Overaccumulation of vacation time
• Working on your vacation

It’s because you are tuned into WWWM (What’s wrong with me?) that the volume is way up.

Some of us (that means all of us) get some relief by shifting the JUDGE’s attention to others.

WWWT (What’s Wrong With Them?)

• What a slacker. It’s obvious he is not qualified.
• She has no will power.
• He’s so unorganized.
• Why does he leave all his stuff out on the bathroom counter? I hate that. Sloppy.

And then there is some distraction from self and other judging to judging the circumstances.

WWWL (What’s Wrong With LIFE?)

• I can’t believe what a hot summer this is. And we are months away from any relief. 

Shout out to my Dallas friends! Of course, South Carolina has cooler temperatures but higher humidity, but I’d rather feel sorry for you!

Or how about…

• This job is not what they said it would be.
• This project deadline is impossible!
• I hate my life.
• I hate Sunday nights.
• I hate Monday mornings.
• I’m sick of Zoom sessions.
• I don’t want to go back to the office every day.
• The traffic is getting worse and worse.
• Our country is going to hell in a handbasket.

Is all this normal?

Unfortunately, it is. 

Does it help to know it’s normal?

Maybe.

I guess if you are so much in denial and you don’t notice it, you may be better off. 

My husband and I often talk about how he is able to enjoy life and be more content by not feeling his emotions as much. I, on the other hand, feel a lot. Everything. I had no choice but to empathize with my family and friends growing up, lines often became blurry about whose problem was this or whose emotions I was feeling. This led me into therapy, a wide variety of psychological training and transformational programs, and eventually led me to discover my career as a coach, for which I am eternally grateful!

Getting to know your judge (and harnessing it) is one important way to build confidence, resilience and relational skills. Leaders who develop emotional intelligence are most effective at influencing, negotiating, handling conflict and inspiring their people—this is well-documented.

So, how do you get to know your judge and develop some agency with it? 

Here are 4 steps that help. I am simplifying it here from the latest PQ research, but try it.

1. Catch the JUDGE! “Oh I notice my inside voice is telling me what a bad person I am for forgetting to wish her a happy birthday... Wow, I’ve been lying here not sleeping for the past 15 minutes obsessing over it!”
2. Intercept the Judge. Stop the condemning dialog by engaging with it… “Oh my judge is telling me what a selfish clout I am for not remembering her birthday.” A shift that is important here—you are no longer saying the reality of what a bad person you are, but acknowledging that your judge is trying to tell you that. That actually helps. You are defining reality, not letting the judge have the final say. 
3. Accept or Convert. PQ is not about saying something is good when it really isn’t. Maybe in this case you were not as thoughtful as you could have been. So you can accept it by saying, “Yes, I accept that I forgot. I will do better next time.” Or you can Convert it by saying, “I will use this disappointment in myself to put her birthday on a recurring calendar reminder and use this as an opportunity to be more organized in this way.”
4. Celebrate! You caught the judge. You intercepted the judge just by noticing it. Tying in to research on habit formation, the act of celebrating is a small step toward change that actually increases the likelihood that you will take more steps toward your goal. 

Although these steps are intellectually simple, they are behaviorally complex. Real change efforts take time, skilled guidance and the right kind of structure. Don’t let your judge tell you shouldn’t need outside support.

So, yes, you are normal. Judge and all! 

Celebrate reading this to the end—way to go. 🙌

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