Aging to Saging

I like birthdays. Maybe because I was the youngest in my family by 10 years and was always striving to get older so I could stay up later in the evening with my family!

Now, as a proud and social security card-carrying boomer I PROTEST the BAD RAP WE PUT ON AGING! Forgive the caps. My generation made a name for themselves carrying signs. We loved to protest. We sang songs, marched, and delayed adulthood as long as we could. But what is adulthood really?

What is Adulthood?

I always heard that adulthood was about being responsible, mature, and adhering to the demands of our society. That sounds depressing. And it reinforces a linear, start to finish, performance check list model. That worked in the 50s but no longer. I like to define it in a less stagnant and more growth evolving way.

What if adulthood is an ever-changing unfolding process of becoming more of who we are? It involves ever expanding self-awareness, honing one’s self-control and building perseverance, as we become more adept at taking life more calmly and thoughtfully. This progressively leads to learning to face ups and downs with less “oh no!” to the anticipation of learning something novel with each fresh hill. It creates a different lived experience.

This key shift happens over time and only with many years of practice.

Think of aging as taking art lessons in finding meaning, joy and purpose in ordinary life.

How Do I Embrace My Current Age?

How can you embrace the very age you are in right now to enjoy it more, maximize this season and avoid lingering too long in the pitfalls of fear and self-doubt. Imagine ways you could appreciate your present state and mine it for valuable nuggets. Like a game board, what if you could move your game piece to advance to the next more life-giving spot on the life board?

Imagine: Closer to your ideal self, your vision and values. A strategic chess move to more sageness. Sage comes from the Latin word saperes, meaning to taste, to discern, or to be wise.

Life in Decades

Each decade brings its own tasks and challenges along with blessings, advantages and opportunities. The 20s are typically a time to build a life apart from your family of origin. A time to pursue education, career, find the love of your life. Some take the time to travel, explore new horizons, pursue freedom to do wild things before settling down. Many struggle during these years. There is pressure to find oneself. Lots to figure out—how to make a living, learn life skills like how to pay bills, manage a household, develop healthy habits without someone telling you when to go to bed and when to do your homework.

Happily, at this stage in life, friends become your family. I heard about a girlfriend who made sure all her drunk friends got home safely in their big city. She’d have them count off on the late night train ride home. Or another friend who told her that guy she was dating was bad news.

Ditch him!

The 20s are all about starting up. Forming. Asking questions like, Who do I want to become? How can I get there? What do I really want apart from the expectations of my family? That’s a lot of pressure. Others around you may be ahead of you. The media and cultural messages tell us where we should be.

The reality of life also provides stress. Bills do need to get paid. Laundry needs to be done. Neuroscientists tell us the frontal cortex of the brain is not fully formed until the late 20s. So it’s no accident that some people get stalled or take some wrong turns during this period.

If one starts creating a foundation in their 20s, the 30s can be a time of building further—a promising and fulfilling career, a family, good friends and growing clarity about what is important. If one struggles to accomplish certain groundwork in their 20s the 30s can be a good season to get the right kind of support. This is where it’s important to engage mentors, career counselors, take workshops, get some counseling and coaching.

Henry Cloud’s latest book, Becoming an Adult: Advice on Taking Control and Living a Happy, Meaningful Life, identifies negative emotional symptoms, root causes and ways to advance forward. For those who need healing and don’t get it, suffering can ensue. BTW, this book is not just meant for younger people. Meandering and making mistakes are one thing, but continuing to make the same mistakes can be a disaster.

John Townsend tells leaders, of all ages and stages in life…

It’s ok to make mistakes. Learn from them. Don’t make the same mistakes. Make new ones!

Myth of the Mid-Life Crisis

And for you overachievers. I see you. If you were one of those adolescents who quickly or even pre-maturely jumped into adulthood with hyper-focused enthusiasm to aggressively launch your career, raise a family and build your portfolio, then you will likely be among the first to hit what has been termed a mid-life crisis by the end of your 40s. Thoughts may arise such as, “Is that all there is?” along with feelings of restlessness, boredom and a longing for some greater meaning and purpose. You may even experience it earlier in the form of, “I’m so exhausted, when will I get to relax and enjoy life more?”

Listen up, this is important! Unlearning what life has taught you is often just as important as learning its lessons.

Pam McLean and Frederick Hudson wrote in LifeLaunch: A Passionate Guide to the Rest of Your Life,

There is no midlife crisis, just one crisis after another for the rest of your life. Almost every transition feels like a crisis. Get used to them. They are normal and they produce wake up calls that stimulate growth and development. Learn from them. That’s what they’re there for.

In LifeLaunch, the authors identify the major tasks of each decade. What there is to learn and just as important, what to unlearn! It’s a great guide and reality check.

In my 40s, I was learning how to balance my family and career and make time to care for my health. In my 70s I’m learning to break free of some self-imposed structures and access more of my creativity.

Although there is no right way to move through a given age, there is the reality of opportunities opening and closing. There is also the opportunity to approach each stage of life in a way that lifts your spirits and encourages you versus engaging in soul-crushing self-judgment, regret and fears for the future.

Life Dilemmas Choices

Let’s take the challenges of the 50s for example. I met an executive who captured the essence of how people struggle at this stage of life. In her case, she was highly successful in her career, and achieved an enviable level of influence, financial security, satisfying marital and family relationships and a great place to live.

The problem? Without the competitive upward struggle she was so used to facing, she questioned if she should make a change. Am I too comfortable? Who am I if I’m not scratching to get to the next level? I have arrived—now what? Do I find another even bigger challenge? Am I too old yet to start a new career chapter? If I don’t find a way to climb higher will it mean I am losing my edge? Miss out? Will I regret not going for the next big rung? Climbing the ladder has very real dopamine effects.

Alternatively, she could engage in another kind of inquiry. What is there to enjoy at this pace? How much is enough? Can I find a different kind of satisfaction in contributing, mentoring others, making this place better than I found it? What if I no longer have to strive to feel good about myself. Maybe going deeper is a better fit now.

And what about the 60s? I met with a man who had grown his company and it was doing well. However, at 63, he was secretly trying to figure out when he could retire. He feared sharing this with anyone. He confided that it could lead to his people bolting, or vying for his job, and customers could lose confidence. When he said,

I could become a “lame-duck” leader.

That went clunk. What does that mean? Loss of authority, stature, influence which could lead to failure. Failure of what? A nice glimpse into our cultural age myths. As we talked he mused about just cutting back his schedule in the next few years.

I actually don’t want to retire at 65. I love what I do. I just want to have more freedom as I get older. It would be nice to have a full week off every month. Travel. See kids. Fish.

Sounds nice. Why not?

We have so many more choices than we realize. Maybe we need to just take some time to dream more often. Talk with others. Explore possibilities. Ask for support.

Instead of facing big life choices in isolation, John Townsend shows us how greater clarity comes from connection to others. In his book, People Fuel: Fill Your Tank for Life, Love and Leadership, John offers 21 Relational Needs critical to developing emotional intelligence. Learn to ask for such needs as empathy, understanding, comfort, encouragement, and even challenge. Sound vulnerable? It is. You are much more comfortable with asking for ideas, advice and input for business and personal decisions. He exhorts alpha executives to stop being the lone ranger.

You need to need!

One last thing. Can we get rid of the word bucket list? Don’t get me started. Ageism all over it. You are old. Time is running out. The term reeks of impending death. A life of sad choices, deferred dreams. A small window of time to do a few measly things just for myself—while I am still breathing. Pathetic…

So, Where Are You on Your Life Journey?

What are you dreaming about now? What are your biggest struggles? How can this current yearning, pain point or challenge be turned into a gift or an opportunity? What if this was the gateway to living the life you’ve imagined?

Be a Sage: Taste, discern, be wise!

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